as you fade away

Song of the Moment: The Honorary Title "Everything I Once Had"

Wow. I haven't update in here for 2 years. I thought I would give it another try. I was wondering if I even remembered the password and whaddya know... I did. It's kind of interesting to read through this journal and then to look at where I am right now.

Everything has changed. Most certanily not for the good. I am no longer with Mike. I am no longer with the one who used to mean so much to me. And that was completly his decision this time around. I tried to work things out with him so many times. I tried to be clear and honest. But I guess that wasn't enough. It's hard to hit the bottom and know that you can't possibly say anymore to this person that you love and to have them not know what to do/or say afterwards KILLS.

My heart and soul hurts. I was with him for over 2 years and watched it slip away so fast. He changed into a completly different person. But not a better one. He stopped caring about me and my feelings. He became extremely selfish. Love is not a place for a person to be selfish. Love is selfLESS. He always cared far too much about himself rather than thinking of the both of us. I always put myself out there 100% only to get less than 50% from him. He became a liar and afraid to talk to me. Even after explaining how he could fix things so we could move on from this, he still did not know what to say to me.

I don't deserve to be treated like shit. I am a nice person. If he's not going to care about me then fine... I will find someone else who will. I loved him to death. He was my world. My best friend. But that was the problem, you cannot set someone up to be your world....cause when they walk out...you're left with nothing.

It's so sad to see how easily he could turn his back on someone who has been with him for over 2 years. He seems so totally fine with not talking to me for a whole day...not calling...not being here.

Every second that goes by with him NOT doing something to show me he's at least thinking about "us" or "me" for that matter....makes me HATE him even more. I hate what he did to me and I hate him for not having the guts to fix it.

My thoughts are all over the place right now... so this post may not make sense in its entirety. I just have so much hate, anger, sadness, and mixed feelings on this whole situation it's crazy. I don't know how to explain myself anymore.

1. Nicknames? Nick, Nicky, Nicolette
2. B-day: 2-22-84
3. Age: 19
4. Sex: female
5. What time is it? 10:55 pm
6. Where do you live? Quartz Hill, California
7.What school do you attend? University of California, Santa Cruz
8. Siblings and their ages? 2 Brothers: Chris (28) and Bryan (25)
9. Righty or Lefty: Righty


**********JUST LATELY***************

12. Hair color: Medium Brown
13. Eye color: hazel
14. Height: 5'2
15. Do u wear contacts or glasses? I wear glasses sometimes
16. Do you have any piercings? 2 in my left ear, 3 in my right ear, and my navel
17. Where do you want more if you do? I want to get my tongue pierced or my eyebrow.... or just another on my ear
18. Do you have a tattoo? nope, but I would like one
19. If so what and where:
20. Do you wear any rings? sometimes
21. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? umm..just casual

********YOUR LOOKS*********

23. How are you today? I'm sleepy
24. What pants are you wearing right now? my white Roxy pants
25. What shirt are you wearing right now? my black The Used shirt that Mike bought me
26. What underwear are you wearing right now? hmm...and why would I tell.. you'll just have to see... HAHA
27. What does your hair look like at the moment? it's down and sorta curled at the ends
28. What song are u listening to right now? I'm not listening to any music
29. Freckles or none? none
30. How is the weather right now? it's nice outside...but it's FREEZING in my house
31. Last Dream you can remembember? I dunno
32. Who are you talking to right now? Trini

************More about YOU!*****************


35. What are the last four digits of your phone number? 8828 or 1300
38. Do u like the person that sent u this? I stole this randomly from an LJ connection
39. How do u eat an Oreo: I'm not sure
40. What makes you happy? when other people are happy
42. What's the best advice ever given to you? I don't know
45. What are your future goals? to become a doctor, marry someone successful, pay off my student loans, move somewhere near the coast
47. Worst sickness u ever had? Strep throat...or the stomach flu
48. What's the stupidest thing u ever done? I don't know
49. What's your favorite memory? when my family was happy
50. If u could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I'd try to have patience
51. Where do you shop the most? Any mall
52. How many kids do you want to have? umm...like 2 or 3
53. Son's name: Dylan... or Christian... or.... I don't know
54. Daughter's name: Keili or Yasmine
55. Do you do drugs? No
56. Do you drink? Nope
58. What sport do you hate the most? ummm... I like all sports
59. What are you most scared of? not fulfilling my dreams
60. How many TV's do you have in your house? 5
61. Do you have your own? NOW I do!
63. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal(s)? I have tons on my bed...but I only sleep with one...the tiger that Mike gave me
64. Have you ever broken/sprained/fractered a bone? yep.. I've sprained my right ankle many times
65. Friend that sings the worst? I dunno
67. Who's the loudest friend you have? Nancy!
68. Who's the quietest friend? Wintila
69. Is cheerleading a sport? haha..umm NO

*************YOU and LOVE************************


72. Do you believe in Love? Most definitely
73. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? yes
75. Who is your crush? I don't have a crush
76. Did you send this to your crush?
77. Do you believe in Love at first sight? No, I believe more in the ability to see love at first sight. To see that there could be a chance for love but not actually love.
80. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their smile :)
81. Are you shy to ask someone out? nope
82. Who do u want to spend the rest of your life with? hmm..... I have an idea...if you know me personally then I'm sure you know
83. Do you find yourself attractive? I suppose
84. Do you find yourself ugly? nah
85. Do others find you attractive? of course

*********ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only)**********


89. Boxers or briefs: boxers
91. Curly or straight hair: STRAIGHT... spikey is nice
92. Tall or short: taller than me...haha
93. Six pack or muscular arms: both
94. Good guys or bad guys: a good bad guy
95. Hat or no hat: I think baseball hats on some guys are sexy
96. Ears pierced or not: I think it depends on the guy
97. Tan or no tan?: tan
98. Dimples or not?: I don't know
99. Stubble or neatly shave: not TOO much stubble...but either way is cool
100. Rugged or sporty: SPORTY
101. Studly or cutie: Cutie!
102. Accent or not: not
103. Glasses?: I think glasses on some guys are sexy
105. What sport should he play? basketball or baseball or football

***********ON GIRLS FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT (for guys only)********


107. Panties, bikinis, boycut, boxers or thongs?
108. Painted nails or not?
109. Play sports or read at home?
111. Cute n' mysterious or wild n' sexy?
113. Dark or light hair?
115. Curly or straight hair?
116. Dark, light, or crazy cool eyes?
117. Long or short nails?
118. Hat or no hat?
120. Hair up or down?
121. Jewelry or none?
122. Tall or short?
124. Accent or no accent?
125. Pants, skirt or dress?
126. Tan or fair?
127. Glasses, conacts, or none?
128. Pretty indoor chick or crazy party chick?
130. Shy or outgoing?
131. Funny or cool?
132. Talkative or shy?


**********Both*********


138. On the phone or in person? In person
139. Paper or plastic? plastic
140. Sausage or pepperoni? neither...yuck
141. Summer or winter? summer
142. Hugs or kisses? BOTH!
143. Chocolate or white milk: chocolate
144. Root Beer or water: water
145. Glass half full or half empty? half full
148. Cats or Dogs? dogs
150. Vanilla or Chocolate? chocolate
151. Skiing or Boarding? boarding
152. Day or night? day
153. Cake or pie? pie
155. Diamond or pearl? diamond... pearls are for old people
156. sunset or sunrise? sunset


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~HAVE you EVER~~~~~~~


178. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? umm yeah
180. Drank? Yes
181. Ever gotten dumped? haha NO
182. Broke the law? I think so
185. Stole something? Yes
186. Tried to kill yourself? Thought about it MANY times in HS
187. Made yourself throw up? I think so
188. Ever made yourself cry to get out of trouble? yes

**********On a FiNal NoTe*******************


190. Do you like filling these out? When I'm bored out of my mind their cool to fill out
191. How many people are you sending this to? no one
192. Do u want your friends to write back? if they want to
194. Who is most likely to respond? don't know and don't care...haha
195. What first comes to mind? sleep
197. Now what is the time? 11:25
198. What song is playing now? nothing, I'm not listening to music

By the time we got back to the AV it was like 12:30. We didn't go straight to my house though. We decided to go a park and just hang out. Maybe see Mars for a bit. We ended up doing some "stuff" in the car in the park parking lot. It was quite yummy I must say. Haha. We were both SO tired. We drove back to my house to take a nap before he had to go back home. We got back to my place around 2ish. We tried sleeping till 3. Mike was SUPER sleepy and was afraid he wasn't going to make it home. We walked to his car and got some fresh air. We did some more "stuff" against his car. THAT was quite yummy too. I wanted him to stay SO much. But my parents or brothers don't like the idea. So he left. I slept. That was MY yesterday.

Now today.... I got FREE tickets to the Jimmy Kimmel Live show again!!! But this time to see 311 perform!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! How good is my summer?!?! So Mike is really excited about that. It's on September 2nd. We're waiting to see if we're gonna get FREE tickets to see Taking Back Sunday or The Starting Line. That'd be awesome too. I'm definately loving this summer home. Everything has been great.

Okie.. so I don't feel like writing out this big long entry of what I did yesterday, so I'll just shorten it out and perhaps later I will elaborate on it. Mike came over at 8:30 in the morning. I was still in my pjs...my black The USED tee shirt he gave me and my red hawaiian board shorts. We sat and watched tv for a little bit. We went upstairs to watch one of my baby videos. I changed into the outfit I was going to wear to CSUN. We left my house at 10:40. It took us less than an hour to get to CSUN. We parked kinda far away. We had no idea where we were going. Mike called his friends who went to the school. We walked around and found the place. There were all these little tents and booths set up. CSUN was already in session so there were tons of kids walking around. It was hot as hell. Me and Mike were sweating and stuff. I finally met one of his friends. We stopped to get a drink at this one stand. We walked to this tree so we could stand in the shade to watch the Yellowcard concert. We were SO up close. The people in the mosh pit hit me and Mike really bad. I saw my best friend from Jr. High in the crowd which was INSANE! We hugged and said our hello's. I guess she's going there for school. The show lasted about an hour. We went to my dad's resturaunt for lunch. Hung out there for another hour. Then we got back onto the freeway and headed to Mike's house so I could meet his grandma. We sat in his living room for sometime just chit chatting and then Mike finally said we had to get going to Pasadena so we could beat the traffic. It only took us like 20 minutes to get there. We parked at some $3.00 dollar a day parking lot. We walked to Colorado Blvd. and went SHOPPING!! We spent like 2-3 hours walking up and down shopping at the stores. We went to Urban Outfitters. I bought more cd wallpaper. We went to Atomic Garage and walked out. Went to Anchor Blue. Mike bought some pants. He tried them on first and brought in to the fitting room with him. He told me he wasn't wearing any underwear. Interesting. Made out in the fitting room for a little bit. I bought a punk rock purse there. It's black with this big white star on the front. We made friends with the manager on duty named Jerry. He kept trying to encourage us to party. We left Anchor Blue and went to Saks Fifth Avenue. Looked at the pretty clothes. Sprayed on some expensive perfume. Left and went to the French Connection to look at the FCUK tee shirt. Didn't like any of them. Went to Banana Republic. Nothing there. Walked into Diesel. Went to Hooters and bought myself a tee shirt. Thinking on wearing it as a pj shirt. Went to this little asian resturaunt. Had a honeydew asian smoothie with Babo balls on the bottom. It was yummy. Tried to stay cool in the air conditioning. We were going to meet his whole family for a nice sushi dinner later on. I decided I wanted to buy a new tee shirt to wear to dinner. Went back to Anchor Blue. Bought this preppy long sleeve pin stripe shirt. Bought a white undershirt. Mike thought it was sexy. I changed into it in the bathroom at the asian resturaunt. We left to go meet his parents at the place. It was called Kabooki's. We went to this shopping center first and hung out. We went into Best Buy, Party City, and some sports place. Mike was funny saying I was trying to rub up on him when he was standing behind me. It was true. But I knew he liked it. His mom kept calling us to see where we were cause they were already at the resturaunt. So we left. Got to Kabooki's in like 5 minutes. They had already ordered all this sushi. It was SO yummy! I was greatly impressed. His parents were trying to get to know me more. After dinner we said our goodbye's and thank you's and decided to drive towards my place and see what we could do next. We got on the freeway and decided to go walk at City Walk at Universal Studios. When we got there it was like 10:25ish. The last shuttle was at 11:30. We walked through all the stores there. I was already tired. We decided to leave and go back to my place. I tried not falling asleep in the car.............

Man.. me and Raci had an AWESOME time watching Adema perform LIVE at the Jimmy Kimmel Show on Tuesday night. We were right up front. Wee Man was there and he crowd surfed on us. HAHA. Raci got kicked in the head by him. I fought some girl down to the ground for a guitar pick. But Raci stepped on it for me. So..yeah... I got it. It was a lot of fun. I've never been up that close at a concert, even at the Warped Tour. The crowd was even better then some of the shows at the Warped Tour. Haha. Adema rocks live though. It was cool to see them perform the day that their new album came out. It was an awesome experience. Plus I got to share that with one of my good friends :) I couldn't have gone to the show with anyone better that's for sure. Thanks Raci!! I had a lot of fun!. Oh and if you read this before I talk to you... I left my black Globes in your car. DUMB. So yeah..

"Feels like Home" -Randy Newman

Somethin’ in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There’s somethin’ in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I’ve been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I’d love anyone so much

AHHH. Okay so I checked my email when I got home from Costco tonight and guess what!! I got an email saying I was invited to the Jimmy Kimmel show on Tuesday the 19th to see Adema perfom LIVE!!!!!!! I signed up online at http://www.1iota.com./ to win tickets. I didn't think I'd actually get them!!!!! So now I have 2 tickets to the show. It looks like me and Raci will be going down to Hollywood to the El Captin Outdoor Theatre to see them! How awesome is that going to be?! SO cool! After I read the email I immediately started screaming and my mom thought I was crazy. I ran downstairs and told her what happened. Then I ran back upstairs and called Mike on my cell. I was like "guess what guess what?!?!?!" and he kept saying "what what?????" and I told him. He's all excited for me. So far my summer has been pretty awesome. I never thought it was going to be like this. On the 27th there's a Free Yellowcard concert at CSUN. But sssshhh no one's supposed to know! Haha. I had to do some MAJOR researching and emailing to the band and their promoters to find that one out. So yeah... me and Mike are going to go to that concert. It's at noon at the Sierra Quad. Mike's gonna pick me up early in the morning and then we'll go watch them perform. Then we're gonna meet up with his friend Kris and his girlfriend. Kinda like a double date sort of thing. But Mike doesn't really want to be around them the whole time which is good because that's exactly how I feel. After the concert we're going to go back to Mike's house so I can meet his grandma who is also really excited to see me. Then I'm gonna meet some more of his friends. After that we're going to go to 3rd Street I think and then have dinner. It looks like we're gonna spend the night hanging out at the beach. After ALL of that... it'll be my time to head on home. We'll see if everything goes as planned. Hopefully it does. Anyways.... I only have 5 more days of work!!!! How cool is that?! I told my manager I could work till the 30th before I have to go back to school at UCSC and she said "well how about just till the 23rd since we've already posted the next 2 weeks on the schedule??" Sounds good to me! Haha. I really don't like the people I work with at Ross. Their not nice at all. I mean come on.. it's not THAT hard to be nice. Last night when I was working the two guys who work with me we're being dumb. One of them pulled me aside and was all "So Nicole.... was that your boyfriend that picked you up the other night?" I was like "no that was my brother" and he said "ohh". Then after the stored closed and we were all cleaning up he ket bugging me and was all "so why don't you talk to me?" and I said "well... I'm not a very talkative person..." Haha I'm such a liar. But still.. I'm not there to make friends, I'm there to work and that's it. Then the other guy was all "hey Nicole.. so how old are you?" and I was like "19" and they were all "ohhhh". Then one of them was like "so what you can't talk to me? Why your boyfriend gonna get mad?" and I said "hmm probably" and he was all "what's his name?" and I said "Mike". Haha. So stupid. It was really quite dumb. I was trying so hard not to laugh at their small talk. Anyways.. on to other things. I was working on my budget with my mom the other day. I still have $600 out of $1300 that my grandma had given to me in cash. That's cool. I'm thinking about buying some shoes. Buying some clothes. Buying some room decor. I'm even thinking of dying my hair again before I leave for school. I also have another paycheck coming up.. that's another $100 something dollars right there. Plus the $50 I have in my wallet as of now. Interesting. I think I'm set. Haha. Well... I'm bored now. I'm online and no one is talking. BLAH. Boring people! Oh! and if you're reading this. JOIN MY COMMUNITY THING ON FRIENDSTER!!!! Come on!! It'll be fun! I promise. Just IM me with your email addy or something so I can add you in. Puhlease!! Alright... looks like I'm done with this entry :)

Lyrics from my new favorite band Matchbook Romance (Their new cd "Stories and Alibis" comes out Sept. 22nd.. I suggest you go get it) :

Lovers & Liars

Let's start out by starting over.
What did I expect?
You're no good at lying and I'm no good at comebacks.
You're so untouchable.
I'm oh-so-terrible at this.
I'm terrible at this, you know.

Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.

And I bet you've got every word I said memorized in your head.
And you'll use every one of them against me.

Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.
Tell all your friends about me.
Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.

I hope you choke on every word you spoke when you were screaming at me.
I realize how many times you tried, but that's wishful thinking.
All I want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me.
Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.
Tell all your friends about me.

Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.
Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.