as you fade away

I haven't written here in a long time because I've been apprehensive of writing my true emotions/feelings of past events. In the past week I've come to many realizations of my life and who I am as a person. I've come to see what I truly want out of life, what I need in my life, and how I'm going to accomplish what I want. I've realized I want the best of the best. I've always been spoiled. I've never really gotten all that I wanted and when I wanted, but when I do, I get the best. Since I was little I've had a strong connection and bond with my two older brothers and dad. They make sure I'm on the right track, that no one hurts me, that I have the greatest that the world has to offer, and that I'm sincerly happy. My mom on the otherhand balances that spoiled side. She brings me back down to earth and makes me see that I can't always have my way and I won't always get what I want. My mom considers us middle class, in that we live "comfortably". I know, however, that we are in a way more than middle class, we just live modestly. I bring this up because I've had a rather interesting conversation with my grandma yesterday. She has just recently been released from the hospital after having a heart attack. She was telling me of her stay in the hospital and then later started talking about this one heart doctor in L.A. who she visits from time to time. She told me she wishes I could be with him, that she wants to see me with someone like him. She said he's young and successful. Everything. She said she wants to see me with a doctor, someone who I can relate to, be there working by his side, someone who's schedule I know is secure, who's future is secure as well. It amazed me to hear my own grandma telling me these things. I immediately thought of Mike. My grandma doesn't know about Mike. I think she'll just scrutinize everything in general and at this point I'd much rather avoid it. When she was telling me she wanted to see me with a doctor in the future, I couldn't help but agree. That's who I want to be. Being with a doctor would be great. But being with someone equally as successful is just as great too. Mike is going to be successful in the future, I can tell. But then I was thinking of our past arguments we've been having. I have yet to write in here that I put our relationship on a break. At the beginning of our relationship I had doubts that he truly cared for me, that I loved him more then he loved me, that my love was different then his love. All those sort of things. He's never treated me like he loves me. He's never expressed his love other than affection. I want to know that I'm wanted, that I'm loved, that he's happy that we're together. Nothing. I want to be with someone who's mature, who will protect me and take care of me. I want to be with someone who doesn't give a damn what other people think. I want to be with someone who can think on their own. I want to be with someone who will see something at a store and buy it for me because they think it reminds them of me. I want to be with someone who will surprise me at my doorstep with flowers. I want to be with someone who will take my hand and take me somewhere spontaneously. I want to be with someone who will put me first. I want to be with someone who shares the same interests as I do. I want to be with someone who likes to go places. I don't want to be with someone who tells me what to do, how to act, or what to wear. I don't want to be with someone who is immature. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know what they want. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have a future. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have confidence. I don't want to be with someone who ignores me. I don't want to be with someone who uses me to say they have a girlfriend. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know what to do. Period. I need someone mentally and emotionally strong. I want to have that sense of security. I already know what I want with my life and I know how I need to get there and what I need to do to accomplish my goals. I don't need to be with someone who won't be that support for me that I need. I don't need to be wasting my time and concentration on someone who is "wishy-washy", who doesn't have their heart into the relationship as I do, when I really need to be focusing my time and concentration on my career. I may sound like a complete bitch with all of this. But seriously, I don't want anyone wasting my time. I've come to a point in my life where I have only a few select people I like to hang out with. I still like to have fun and go do stuff....but I'm not going to go do stuff that we've done in the past. I'm not here to go back and relive high school all over again. That chapter in my life has closed. I'm more mature and focused now. I see things a lot clearer then I did back in high school. I can't even hang out with people from QHHS anymore it seems because really...I'm happy for them, I'm glad they're enjoying themselves partying and living it up, but they're completly different people then I am. What they're doing is not me. I'm not like that. Yeah, I have my fun, but, I also have my priorities. Partying and getting drunk/high is not one of them. I don't need all that right now. I've felt somewhat disappointed coming back home here to the AV. I belong here because it's where my family is but that's about it. My friends aren't REALLY here. The people here suck because they're so incompetent and uneducated. It seriously disgusts me. I'm glad I got out of this place and I'm glad I'm a part of a nice University because I'm not cut out for anything less. I need to be surrounded by intelligent and mature people who know where they're going in life. I never want to settle for average. I want so much more and I will acheive so much more.